guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
