1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
