her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
