Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
