i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
