I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
