True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
