my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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