I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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