there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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