I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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