so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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