I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
