I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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