my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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