Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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