i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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