do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
