my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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