Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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