I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
