I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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