You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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