Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
