I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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