The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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