i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
