i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
