My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
