3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
