Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
