he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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