I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
