i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
