I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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