oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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