When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
