I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
