I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
