He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
