Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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