I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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