hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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