Im at strip club and am horny
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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