peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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