Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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