Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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