Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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