She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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