I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
