I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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