soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize