dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
