he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
