I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
