so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
