she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize