He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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