what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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