we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
