I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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