I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
