Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
