i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize