I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize