I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Text me some of your sweat
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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