Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
