I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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