I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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