I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
