Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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